How Do I Change My Behavior?

Change your behavior by exploring your motivation for change and understanding the 5 stages of change.

“How do I change my behavior?” We all have habits or behaviors that we are not necessarily happy about. However, some behaviors cause pain in ourselves and others we care about. You may overeat, adversely affecting your health with excessive weight gain and digestive issues. Perhaps you gamble and lose so much money that you have no funds left to pay your bills. Or you frequently drink too much alcohol or abuse drugs, ruining your health and putting yourself and others in danger. Many smoke cigarettes, have shopaholic tendencies, gossip about others, talk too much, etc. And while you may have tried to stop or change your behavior, did you find that you just could not do it? You are not alone.

These behaviors tend to be very addictive and are coping mechanisms that help you get through a part of your life that you haven’t learned to handle. You over do things because of the good feelings they cause, and the temporary relief from pain in your life. However, there comes a time when the consequence of the behavior becomes as bad or worse than the problem or problems that you were not able to face. For example, bulimia. You may have a deep-seated fear of weight gain and avoid eating to prevent yourself from becoming fat. After a time, the behavior can become extreme, and you end up with serious health and emotional problems.

We all have habits or behaviors that we would like to change.

At a certain point, when negative outcomes happen, you promise yourself and everyone in your life that you’ll stop. There may also be a social or family dynamic that contributes to the problem. You may also be influenced by the company you keep, people who act like these unhealthy behaviors are normal and fun. But then at some point it’s just not fun anymore. The good feelings go away, and you are left with the sadness, anger, guilt, lack of self-love and lack of motivation that cause you to seek the behaviors once again, a vicious circle that is hard to escape.

In this article, we will explore your motivation, the stages of change and how to move from the lowest stage of motivation to the highest level so you can achieve the behavioral change you want. You can finally achieve freedom from the behavior and succeed.

The Five Stages of Change

Change is a process. You can think of it as a project or a journey. There is a lot of learning involved regarding the problem, the nature and history of it and, most importantly, learning about yourself.

First, choose a behavior or habit you’d like to change. Write it down on a piece of paper. Think back on how many times you tried to change it and what your level of motivation is on a scale from one to five, with one being weakest and five strongest. Put down a number for where you are now on the scale.

Change is a process. You can think of it as a project or a journey.

Stage 1 - Pre-contemplation

If your motivation is weak, you are in Stage 1 of change, called “Pre-contemplation”. In this stage you don’t often know that your behavior is a problem although others are aware that it is. Others are encouraging you to get help, or threatening to leave or perhaps warning you that you will lose your job. However, if you do become aware of a wish to change, there is no real motivation to do so, because you’ll mostly feel a lack of responsibility so it may take a long time to see the severity of the problem.

Stage 2 - Contemplation

Stage 2 of behavior change is called “Contemplation.” Awareness of a problem arises, but there is little commitment to change. A person can be stuck in this stage for years without taking any action. This is because they are not willing to experience the sense of loss they will experience from giving up on the behavior they may still enjoy. You are still not feeling responsible for your behavior and may blame others for problems.

You may experience a sense of loss from changing up a behavior you enjoy.

Stage 3 -Preparation

Stage 3 of change is called “Preparation”. In the preparation phase the individual sees the problem and has the intention to change. This stage often lasts for about a year. They may recognize their part in the behavior and take small actions with the intention to reduce their unhealthy behaviors to a certain extent. However, they are not able to commit completely or effectively enough to achieve the change.

Stage 4 - Action

The fourth stage of change is called “Action.” Here you notice the behaviors that are not so healthy and the significant trouble they cause for you. You also learn to modify your behavior with commitment of your time and energy. Others recognize it, and you feel you are working hard to change. This period lasts for a period of at least 6 months, during which time you are getting used to your new life without the negative behavior and experiencing the freedom and the benefits of your positive change.

Changing your behavior requires a lot of self-reflection and hard work within oneself.

Stage 5 - Maintenance

In the fifth state of change, “Maintenance”, you are working hard to prevent a relapse and maintain gains for at least 6 months and lasting the rest of your life. Your behavior is stable for a period of time, and you have the opportunity to really make the change. However, the risk of relapse is faced more than once. A person can wind up back in Pre-contemplation and give up for the time being until they work themselves back through the stages. As you can imagine, there is a lot of self-reflection and hard work within oneself involved. It often requires an individual therapist working with you and group support with others experiencing the same thing to realize you are not alone in your “stinkin’ thinking” as they say in the 12 Step Program.

An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

The following was written by Portia Nelson and is a good reflection and simplification of the five stages of change.

The 5 stages of change by Portia Nelson.

I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find my way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

How Do I Change My Behavior?

First, practice self-honesty. Give yourself an honest evaluation of your current stage of change and your readiness to commit to it. Communicate your readiness to your therapist or group. A big help would be to get some support. If you can’t be honest about your struggles, others will be as they may see you more clearly than you see yourself.

You may feel shame, depression, anxiety, anger, guilt, and other strong emotions as you are trying to let go of these behaviors. That’s normal, as usually a behavior that is unhealthy saves you from feeling those negative feelings and even pain from traumas that happened long ago.

So, without those behaviors, the feelings will come out of their hiding places. Examine your family history and see what beliefs it taught you about yourself and life.

If you assess that you are in the pre-contemplation stage, don’t try to jump too quickly to the action stage, be patient with yourself. Know that this may be a slow process and there may be relapses, and that is normal. Go through one stage at a time. A good therapist will have many ways to help you with this.

Give yourself an honest evaluation of your readiness to commit to changing your behavior.

You may have to change your social scene if your friends are engaging in the same behavior you want to stop doing. This may anger them if you are changing, and they feel forced to evaluate their own behavior. Trouble and misery like company and your new behavior will indicate to them that you think you are better than they are. This will be difficult, especially for those you have known as buddies since grade school. This is a loss you will have to grieve, but staying with them will be worse for you.

Forgive yourself for past behavior.

Take responsibility for your behavior and do what you need to do to make it right. In the 12 Step program, making amends is a big part of healing. Apologize for your wrongdoing at the very least.

Forgive yourself for the things you have done that you are not proud of. You are not alone. We all make mistakes, and we are all learning. Once you learned the lesson there is no need for the behavior anymore, so let it go. Let the negative self-talk go as well. Notice when you are engaging in negative self-talk and STOP IT. Change it to positive self-talk.

If you succeed in making a change, you’ll empower yourself and heal. You’ll find new perspectives on life and won’t stay stuck. You’ll feel more peaceful, learn how to relax and reward yourself without those behaviors that are unhealthy. You will also experience an increase in positive energy. Keep a journal and write down each stage you go through and reflect on how you made that change.

And just remember, walk down a different street. A tremendous response to the question, “How Do I Change My Behavior?”

For more in-depth information please visit: The 6 Stages of Change - The Transtheoretical, or Stages of Change, Model By Kendra  Cherry, MSEd

Recommended Meditations for Changing Your Behavior

Meditation on Transforming Fear - explores what fear is all about and how to transform it into its opposite, love.

Heart Coherence Meditation - uses breathing practices to establish heart coherence to change attitudes, find answers and renew your energy.

Addiction Recovery Meditations - a series of guided meditations for addiction recovery.

5 Minute Mindfulness Meditation - a simple beginner’s meditation.